In vain I have struggled
by Monoi
Summary: "Fate let them meet in that bar. Fate, mocking and cruel put her in that embarrassing situation. Now it was her moment. Risa Koizumi was going tu surprise fate."- Four years after the end of the manga, Risa and Otani are no longer together. The marriage of Nobu and Nakao will be an opportunity to meet again, but before the marriage there will be new questions
1. Tokyo Blues

_Hello everyone!_

 _I apologize in advance for the mistakes, English is not my native language._

 _Indeed, I invite you to tell me any mistake you notice, I'm here to improve._

 _Thanks to those who read !_

* * *

It was predictable. There was nothing to be surprised.

When she had told her, her voice breaking with emotion, that she and Nakao would get married, Risa knew with absolute certainty that it was no longer possible to put off the confrontation with that big piece of her past.

She hung up, looking at the background photo saved on the phone. Her eyes stared for a while 'the illuminated pixels, but her thoughts were already lost, far away from where they had stopped to phone, over coffee not far from the statue of Hachiko.

Far from Tokyo where she had moved to attend graduate school, away from the voice of Nobu that had come from Hokkaido. They were flown directly to her family, to her adolescence, in Osaka. And to him.

Despite being past four years, she had not seen him again. And even though they had been four years, the feelings which have long grown along with her love for him had remained well hidden in the bottom of her heart. And even though they had been four years, the memory of the laughing face of Otani still hurt.

Suddenly, the phone rang, brutally interrupting the memories that were invading her while she stood in the streets of Shibuya, one the late morning of June.

Before answering, she mentally thanked Sakura, who was calling.

"Do not get excited Koizumi, I know that today you are on vacation and you don't wanna come to work, but I have a big favor to ask ... This afternoon we are short of a model for the shooting of YellowTree, and I thought, who better than her? Come on ... Please! this afternoon. I'm going to message the address later. Thanks, I owe you one! "

Sakura had interrupted the conversation, assuming that her employee had agreed to spend the afternoon of her day off to do a photo shoot. It was for the good of the company!

Risa sighed. She put the phone in her bag and without much hesitation she took the train to go home, now that was not much time left available.

She was not a professional model, but had happened several times that her acquaintances in the fashion thought of her for quick replacements. Thanks to her stature and her thinness in the first year at the technical school she had become the preferred model for the practical activities of the comrades, and soon after she went in the school catwalks.

It wasn't easy to learn how to walk on heels, but eventually was successful, despite her legendary clumsiness. Luckily even then it was no longer together with Otani, or she would be even more embarrassed. And so, sometimes she worked as a model for some agency. Replacements, mostly, but that had allowed to come into contact with those who did the work she wanted to do, and to learn.

Once arrived in Tokyo three years ago, to finish school, Risa had finally realized that she arrived at the right place. Stunned by the crowd of the megalopolis, she had discovered the center of the world in regard to fashion. From large boutiques of Ginza with the best of the big Western names, to the girls of Harajuku always in step with the new trends, through the glitzy Shibuya, producers and consumers of the fashion lived and breathed in the streets of the capital.

That night, despite the fatigue, Risa joined Riko and Mana for a drink. It was quite a while 'that she met her friends, and in the solitude of the frenetic pace of Tokyo occasionally it was needed to take a breather.

Mana saw at first glance that something was wrong in Risa. They had met in Tokyo, during a fashion show, and since then Mana had been in contact with that colleague a bit 'atypical, not interested in visibility and to make a career as a model, rather than studying to be a fashion designer.

"Tell me 'Risa, what? You have not said a word since we met." Mana asked point-blank, after the arrival of the third drink.

"Huh? No, I'm just a little 'tired ..."

"Um..." Riko mumbled, who was also unconvinced. Riko was the roommate of Mana. A native of Osaka too, was a few years younger than them, but in Tokyo for much longer, since she had behind an attempted career idol. Very beautiful and busty, Riko made his living as an actress in hardcore films.

The trio of scantily clad lanky put in agitation several males in the bar, which repeatedly tried to approach, but were regularly ignored.

"In four months I go back to Osaka, my best friend is going to marry" decided to say, looking disconsolate the glass she had just emptied.

Riko and Mana raised both their right eyebrow, with a synchronism unwanted.

"And then?" Riko urged.

"And then I'll have to see him for sure. He is the best friend of the groom, and I can not help but go there."

Mana blinked in surprise as her lips twisted into a grimace.

"It's not that you could keep on avoiding him..." said Mana with condescending tone, resting her hand on the forearm of Risa.

"And above all, it must not go wrong with all men just because he has behaved like a jerk. You have to go on with your life ..."

"Come on Riko! We did this talk a thousand times ... It's not easy for Risa!"

"But she has to overcome this trauma!"

"Waiter! Another round!" Risa said, thinking that another drink could give her the strength to support the talks that would be born soon.

"But think about it. How many years has it been?" Riko continued.

"Four"

"It's a long time ... And yes Hajime was really nice ..."

Risa's cheeks, already reddened by alcohol, suddenly turned white. Mana, and especially Riko, were two girls series and reliable, with whom she trusted and liked, but she still was not able to get used to their open vision and unbiased relations with the opposite sex.

"Er ... Yes, Hajime was cute but ... not ..."

"Riko stop! Don't you see that talk in this way is worse?"

"Excuse me Risa, but I don't understand. Making love with the one you like is one of the most wonderful things to do. A lot of studies say this: sex improves mood and tissue oxygenation, maintains healthy, does well skin ... And it is nice. Very nice. I've already told you, your trauma must be overcome, go to a psychologist when soon because you risk losing the best years of your life if you don't solve your problem... "

The waiter brought them drinks, interrupting the conversation.

The next morning, Risa woke up with a headache, a severe nausea and little desire to go to work. The night out with the girls, instead of lighten her, had sunk her psychologically and physically. And yes she knows all too well how little she was able to withstand the alcohol. Still, the artificial light in which she wrapped herself made her forget for a while 'as her love life was a disaster.

The hangover awakenings reported the same blunting of that first time, the same bitter taste in the mouth, the same desperation that she left the situation going in a direction not desired, the same sense of inadequacy experienced four years earlier. The same sadness.


	2. Tokyo Paradise

The first hangover of Risa's life was with Otani. Four years earlier.

A month after her nineteenth birthday, she was left at home alone a few days, and Otani had gone to sleep with her. Despite being the perfect opportunity to learn more about physics of each other, she was too embarrassed to step forward and he too in love to put them quickly. Despite the repeated encouragement of Nobu and Nakao, the last evening ended with a stalemate, and Risa was lost in deep thinking while Otani slept in the futon beside her.

She got up to drink a glass of water in the kitchen, and Risa felt lost, and more and more emotionally distant from the boy who was now sleeping in her room. A month without being able to see each other was too much ... Although he had reassured her several times, the feeling that he was being away from her was more than real.

Instead of water, Risa had opened a can of beer. Fresh and bitter, rushing down the throat, a feeling of lightness slowly made its way inside her.

"What are you doing?" The sleepy voice of Otani asked behind her.

Risa winced, babbling. Scratching his head, the boy was watching. He reached toward her and took the can from her hands.

He muttered: "Have you drained it all, stupid?" Before pouring the remaining contents in his throat.

"Here, shrimp!" She yelled at him, throwing him another can "Not only this, I drunk all of then, and now I start another one!" She concluded, heading for the couch at home with the whole package under her arm.

Otani grunted satisfied by the normal reaction of his girlfriend and went to sit by her side, in front of TV, watching the umpteenth replicas of Hokuto no Ken.

It was two in the morning, the house was dark and silent. The blue light of the TV was the only source of light in the living room, while the excited voices of actors echoed around them. They were together in the same sofa, but at the same time were very far. Without realizing it, Risa had increased the frequency of sips. Another beer was over, and she felt lighter, she wanted to laugh.

"But ... They are finished! How many have you drunk?"

"Ten ..." She said with a chuckle.

"But what are you laughing idiot? And I? There's nothing left!"

"There is still some sake in the kitchen, if you want ..." She rose unsteadily to go get him. She had returned to the sofa with a little difficult, two bottles in hand, while Otani was staring the screen.

"Here."

"Uh? Thanks ..." And he began to drink slowly.

"You like it?"

"Yes. But I prefer the beer."

She did not know how long they had stayed on the couch watching the adventures of Kenshiro while drinking. She did not even know which of them had begun. She only knew that at some point she found herself lying on the couch, Otani above her ... Among the senses clouded by alcohol, Risa felt strange feelings, pleasant and unpleasant together.

She liked to feel the weight of Otani, as well as hear his voice hoarse and his hands slip under her pajamas. But at the same time that limited her movements, the voice of her boyfriend was so unusual as to make her shudder. And his hands, so large, touched her where no one had ever dared to touch before, and Risa was not so sure she was ready for those caresses, and what would come after.

Indecisive, insecure, uncertain and drunk, she had left him to go ahead, she was stripped, touched, kissed without voicing her fears and uncertainties.

Thus, her first hangover and her first time were merged into a single occasion, and she had wasted perhaps the only time when she could move closer to Otani.

And since then, every hangover had become the memory of the suffering, of the inadequacy of their love. Because the next morning, both woke up with a terrible hangover, and they had not had the courage to look each other. They neither found the courage ever again, because that morning coincided with the last time they had met.

They had not even officially left. The first months they phoned each other. They had never been good at talking about their feelings, and the phone, which obliged them to express themselves with words, limited their scarce notices about comments on the latest news Umibozu and about their studies. Suddenly, Risa's shifts at work could no longer combine with those of Otani, and he had given up after yet another refusal to propose to go out together. Deserted even the rare group meetings with friends. There was no longer any desire to meet again, because it was a too much big fear seeing that their teenage love was over, miserably broken among the rocks of adulthood, between misunderstandings and their inability to communicate.

Even after four years, Risa wondered what didn't worked, among them. But she did not have an answer.

What remained was the ugly memory that relived in discomfort after every hangover staggering and dreams that she often did at night, when she relived her first time with Otani without the fear and insecurity that had ruined it.

Getting up and ready to go to work that morning was more difficult than expected. But at least, it was Friday, and that night, for sure, expecting a good night's sleep.

Instead, driven by Mana and Riko, he decided to participate in yet another group appointment. There was no limit to their bad luck. At work he reaped one success after another, but obviously in love she was doomed. After Otani there had been Shoji and Hajime, two handsome guys taller than her, sensitive and gentle, with whom she had two stories-photocopy: both wrecked in front of her inability to deal with intimacy with the opposite sex.

She looked around, sitting on the sofas in the middle of young people of the group date. That place, the Tokyo Paradise, if only it was really cool. It was a beer garden, on the roof of a building in Shibuya, where guests strolled among the lush plants and sipped drinks watching the lights of Tokyo.

It was actually a fantastic place, but after the fifth white russian who had ordered, hoping to recover the moral, Risa had moved away unsteadily from the table, to go and sit alone at the bar. She did not want to stand there and please his designated companion, who was now clearly hooking with Riko.

The waiter had served her the usual white russian, with the smile of an ordinance as he peered out of sight in her cleavage. Staring at the glass of the glass, that reflected her distorted image, she wondered if in recent times was not a bit 'too far with alcohol.

She had not noticed the stranger who was sitting beside her. Or rather, she had perceived him, but the technique to respond to random boardings (that Riko and Mana had taught her) planned to ignore it. And that evening she did not really want to look up, not even to see if he was cute.

Thus, her hand lifted the glass, her lids half closed waiting to hear the white russian burn down her throat. Instead, someone had put his hand on her wrist, blocking her movement. A familiar voice reached her through the mists of drunkenness.

"This is the sixth you drink tonight, Koizumi. Don't you think it's time to stop?"


	3. Shinjuku Night

Shinjuku Night

Otani.

It was there, beside her. It seemed like a dream, the consistency of a nightmare. Open-mouthed, she stared at him in disbelief.

Otani in Tokyo?

His eyes looked at her, serious. No smile. The hand still firmly on her wrist. He was waiting for a response that Risa did not want to give.

What was he doing there Otani?

It was always him, but the look serious and focused on her was devoid of any tenderness. The round face was no longer smooth and plump as she remembered. The sign of beard shaved dirtied his handsome features, and seemed cooler than she remembered. Pursed lips and the corners slightly downwards told her clearly that he was not happy to see her. Still, she would have sworn that the fingers of the boy, firm on her skin, did move in a caress, almost comforting.

Suddenly she recovered. Her lips pursed, her eyes darkened and she averted from him. With her left hand took the glass and drank it in one breath. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she looked at him defiantly.

"That's my business."

Otani did not take it. Eyes narrowed, while the close on the pulse of Risa grew louder. He was about to answer her, but she got up, had pulled the plug for free, and had made a couple of steps, to stop almost immediately. A terrifying nausea assailed her.

No, damn! She was about to throw up! And then, suddenly, she collapsed miserably on her knees, clutching the stomach.

She felt the arms of Otani under her armpits, that pulled up in weight. The severe dizziness prevented her from understanding what he was doing, but he was supporting and driving her to the toilet. Somewhere in her brain, Risa wondered what kind of nightmare she was living. Drunk, vomiting in the bathroom while her former boyfriend was holding on the hair.

She wanted to die. She was tired, dirtied by the vomit, died in shame and could not stand. And Otani, her ex-boyfriend, her first love, whom she had not seen for four years and continued to dream of every night, was there to witness that ignoble spectacle.

Perhaps in reaction to shame, something snapped in the brain of Risa and everything went black around her. Or maybe it was the alcohol level in her body to made her senseless

The awakening was, as always, wrapped in a sense of numbness, a bitter taste in the mouth and despair. The classic awakening hangover of Risa Koizumi.

With a difference.

She had not woken up at her own house. It's the thing was not comforting, but foreshadowed future complications.

In the darkness of the room, Risa felt the silence that enveloped her, the sheets smell nice, but unknown, that covered. And then, thin and almost imperceptible, deep breathing, and regular, someone who was sleeping beside her.

If the memory of the meeting with Otani was erased from his mind, the smell would have been enough for her to remember who was sleeping beside her.

For a moment, Risa was happy. Happy to have him there, sleeping. Happy to feel his breath, his smell, his warmth. Happy that he was there, beside her.

She roused himself quickly from that thought. What nonsense. Otani was now a stranger to her. Not that they had exchanged a few sentences, and nothing personal.

As the minutes passed, the lucidity made its way into her. He moved a bit ', and she realized that she was tucked under the covers dressed only in underwear. She blushed, though welcoming the fact that yes, it was embarrassing that he had seen her half naked, but if anything he had seen her in good condition.

Immediately one huge doubt assailed her. The doubt that, for the second time, Otani had taken advantage of her moment of weakness. And despair assailed her again. Not so much for having given in to the will of others. Not so much for the idea of doing something that is not wanted.

Why yes, hell ... She was dying to feel again the hands and lips of Otani. Only that she wanted to be present, she wanted to kiss him in turn, touch, exchanging glances with him, lost in her breathing and make him lose himself inside her.

While there, wrapped in silence, Risa suddenly understood. She understood that her despair was just the other side of desire, and that in those years was not the trauma to prevent her from making love or Hajime Shoji, but the fact that for them she didn't feel nothing of what she felt for Otani.

She turned on the light.

.He moved slightly. He was lying on the bed sheets, fully dressed. The grip of despair faded, because it was clear that between them, nothing had happened, but the disappointment she felt was telling her how much she had misinterpreted her feelings for all those four years.

She was still madly in love with that shrimp


End file.
